If you listen to the podcast Invisibilia, you might have heard their recent episode on categories. If you don't want it to be spoiled, stop reading! Go listen to the last 10 minutes or and then come back. Actually just go listen, it's good.
Did you listen? Okay. I laughed. Did you? I laughed because for many years I have thought Plato's version of Aristophanes was full of shit. From a modern political perspective I appreciate the story's ancient inclusiveness, but I must reject the notion that I am somehow incomplete because I am un-partnered. That I'm destined to wander the earth in search of my other half. Sorry Mika and Hedwig. I don't buy it. If Plato's descriptions of love are true, then what the fuck is wrong with me? Why does my partner remain elusive? Am I just…broken? This is why Simon Rich's interpretation was so refreshing. He gave me a place to fit in. I am a child of the dirt. Thank god for wine and art. I laughed, but it's still an unsettling framework. If I let myself take solace in constructing my reality around Simon's description, then I'm not just lonely. I'm alone. I keep hearing the last line of the podcast, the one Alix repeated over and over. Because there's nobody for them. Not anybody in the world. I don't really believe that. Not really. But I understand the compulsion Simon felt to write about children of the dirt. Sometimes, I feel like I'm being slowly destroyed by hope. At first I couldn't quite name the reason I needed to turn off the online dating sites. I just felt frustrated and exhausted and knew I needed to get away. I've started to make sense of it now. I need to mourn. The truth is, I didn't want to "succeed." I wanted to find someone. I mean, I am not exactly mad that I met a goal. I did learn a lot about myself -- all the things I wrote back in January are true, and good. I just… I think deep down, until #15, I believed I could make love happen. A little bit, I thought The Secret might be true. Turns out, there is no secret. So I need to believe something new. Because while I am open to the possibility that love might happen for me, I can't hope that it's going to happen. Hope is killing me.
2 Comments
Jane
2/11/2015 11:24:06 am
Hi there Stevee -- thank YOU, for reading and empathizing. The intersection between hope and belief can be a lonely place. Nice to run into another child of the dirt there.
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