I connected with SM on Bumble and met her at the downtown art museum. We didn't trade many messages -- just a brief chat about art and an exchange to make plans. And we both showed up! That feels like something of a miracle. I don't know how much app-based dating you do these days, reader, but I'm finding that the proportion of people who match, chat, make plans and then ACTUALLY SHOW UP FOR THE DATE is getting smaller and smaller.
I felt initial physical chemistry. We started with tea at the café, then walked around, talked about art, took pictures. At this particular art museum there's a whole room of projects you can do and take home. The target audience is likely children, but the facilitators seemed happy to see us, too. I made a print! I love a date that ends in a souvenir (that isn't, like, chlamydia). Afterward, we got dinner, and then I went home. Overall, a very diverting afternoon. Also, it turns out, a case of mismatched expectations. SM is not here for monogamous relationships with women. In fact, she's already in an open relationship with a man. And, dear reader, as I have shared, the name of the game in 2019 is relationship. I think. I intended to keep this PG-13 -- it's semi-anonymous blog, emphasis on the semi. I engage the internet with the understanding that I have no expectation of full privacy here. For the first iteration of this blog, I tried to write about my dates as if they were definitely going to read what I wrote, and I kept sex more or less out of things. I intend to keep the first rule, but I'm less sure about the second. Coming out was expansive. For years I built a wall around my queer self, and all kinds of things got bricked in. As the wall came down, I was able to stretch out. Queer is such an expansive word, and I feel more expansive inside it. I think about dating and love differently than I did five years ago, but I also think about sex differently. Can I write authentically about dating without talking about sex? I don't think I can. (Sorry, mom). (JK, my mom's not reading this.) (I don't think.) I've cultivated enough sex-positivity to know that I can feel and act on physical attraction with someone with whom I do not intend to build a life partnership. I can, sometimes I do, and I believe that is a-ok. I know! Sex positive! But I'd also come to believe that you can't hook up with randos and date for love at the same time. People are like phones. I can be in airplane mode or use 3G, but I can't be in airplane mode and use 3G. If what I want is a relationship, I need to be in "relationship" mode -- only spending time with people I see as potential partners, waiting a reasonable amount of time before achieving intimacy, etc, etc. Relationship mode does not include drinking two bottles of wine and a casual Saturday night threesome. Except, it turns out, I'm not a phone. A week after meeting, SM and I went shopping on a gray, rainy Saturday. We came back to her place for wine and movies, and later on her boyfriend brought us tacos. One thing led to another, and... That was a week ago, and I've spent a fair bit of time taking inventory of my feelings. Am I okay? I am. I had a great time! I liked sleeping with SM and her boyfriend. I'd probably do it again. Are my feelings for SM complicated? No. She's hot. She's fun. I also don't want to be in a monogamous partnership with her. Am I still hoping to build a long-term partnership with someone? Yes. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm not currently in a monogamous partnership. And it doesn't change the fact that last weekend, I wanted to say yes to something else, and I'm not sorry that I did. I want to find my person, but I can't will that person into existence. I may or may not find them, and history would suggest I have no idea what behavior patterns will lead me toward them. So I am going to keep saying yes when I want to, and I'll continue to check in with myself -- and with you, dear reader.
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JaneHi, I'm Jane. I go on dates. Archives
December 2018
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