I was talking to a friend the other day about deal breakers. You know: I feel like I want to say no, I don't have any deal breakers. I'm open-minded! And it just doesn't make sense to declare non-negotiables about a person you've never met. I maybe don't know what my deal breakers are because I don't yet know what specific blend of personality traits and values I may find in another person.
But there are a few things. I need someone with whom I can build a deep, meaningful connection. If you're so emotionally closed off that I can't ever really know you, then this isn't going to work. I need someone who cares about something. I'm not sure how much it matters what that something is -- just...something. I need someone who understands social justice work. They've got to believe that systemic injustice is real, even if they haven't dedicated their career to it. They've got to acknowledge that racism, sexism, classism, and homophobia are real, and fight against those things in themselves. I need someone with whom I'm physically compatible. This means we're attracted to each other, of course. But it also means that physical intimacy with each other meets both of our needs. I don't think it's irrational to want to build a picture of the kind of person you might want to be with some day. In fact, I think it's important to distill, if not deal breakers, then an idea what needs you hope will be met by a partner. Otherwise, you could end up stuck and complacent in an unfulfilling relationship -- and not doing that should be a non-negotiable commitment to yourself.
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JaneHi, I'm Jane. I go on dates. Archives
December 2018
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