The other day my cousin was cutting my hair.
I'm not great with hair. Mine is curly and unruly; I didn't know what to do with it when I was younger, and it's only been in the last five years that I've found cuts and styles I really liked on me. Right now I keep it short. just below my chin, a little shorter in the back. So my cousin - she's never cut my hair before, since she's just become a hairstylist and lives very far away - asked me if I liked layers. I hate it when they ask questions like that. Because I don't know! Yes? Maybe? I've had my hair with layers; I've had it without. I usually just tell them to do whatever they think is best. "Do you ever wear it curly?" she asked. "I do. After my last haircut it looks weird sometimes, though." "Well, the layers will help with that. They'll make the curls lie a little better." Maybe it's because I know her, maybe it's because she's just better at her job than other people I've had, but my cousin finally helped me understand why layers are right for me. This was an important hairstyling experience. I'm happy with the haircut my cousin gave me, but more importantly I'll know how to ask for what I want in the future. It isn't just that I have a clearer picture of what I want. It's that I know my own hair better. This year in dating has been a little like that. No, I haven't "found" someone. But I know myself a lot better. I know how I'll react in particular situations. I know generally the kind of people I'd want to surround myself with, and who might be perfectly nice, but not for me. I approached this year as a dating experiment. In reflection, though, I think it turned out to be more of a year in self-improvement. What I learned wasn't how to catch a man, but who I am in relation to them. How I want to be perceived. How I want to relate to other people, especially straight men. Because, see, my life has been full of women. Despite having a couple of long-term romantic relationships with men in my twenties, the most important people in my life have almost always been women. Mom. Grandma. Sister. Aunt. Jo and Elise. The one male-bodied person (I think he'd appreciate that distinction) I truly love and trust is a gay man. Straight men...well, this is a bit of a generalization, but the straight men in my life tend to disappoint me. I think that matters. I think that impacts how I approach dating and relationships. Since I work in a social justice organization, I've done a lot to understand my racial, socioeconomic, and sexual identity. As a White, middle-class straight person I have privilege in all three of those intersections, and I have examined the shit out of my privilege. I'll keep doing that work, because I remain unfinished and I think it's important. But I haven't spend a lot of time on my identity as a woman. And that's important, too. So that's one result of this New Year's Resolution. Integrate identity work around gender. Check. But that does beg the question...what next? I've circled back around to January. Still single, but a little older and definitely wiser. But once again I find myself sitting at my mom's, contemplating my future. I still fully intend to go on dates. I'll keep OkCupid and probably Tinder (but not Match. Match is for FREAKS). But dating won't be the focus of the next year -- at least not in the same way. I want to make stuff. I want to tell stories, and get other people to tell stories. I used to do that, and at one point even intended to make that my career. Lately, I've been grateful that I didn't start there. I think I'll be a better storyteller given the experiences I've had over the last ten years. So, since it is New Year's Eve and I am a woman of action, here are my goals:
It's very possible I might expand some of my blog posts into stories. There are other stories I'm interested in as well -- I haven't quite settled on a theme yet. I want to try some things, see what I like. If you're interested, keep checking back here -- I'll use this blog to test drive material til March, and link to anything new. Last, I just want to say thanks. I think this is the first time I've successfully completed a New Year's Resolution, and I want to end the year with gratitude. Thanks to anyone who's been reading, especially anyone who might have found me after the Risk show. Unless the techies at Weebly are lying to me, I've had over a hundred unique users read my blog, and about twenty of those people seem to check in on the regular. That is very humbling, since I have mostly been assuming an audience of about four, including people I show the blog to on my phone at parties. Also, thanks to anyone I've asked to read this on my phone at a party. Thank you, Dallas, for suggesting I create a blog to keep track of all my dates. It's not just been fun -- it's inspired other fountains of creativity, and I am grateful for that and for you. And finally, thank you to the men I've gone on dates with. Thanks for sharing a drink, a meal, and a part of yourself. You made the successful completion of this resolution possible. I quite literally could not have done it without you.
1 Comment
bumblebea
2/28/2015 12:22:38 pm
"Straight men...well, this is a bit of a generalization, but the straight men in my life tend to disappoint me. "
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