I took a sick day last week. About 1:00 in the afternoon, I got a text from an unknown number. Dear readers, some of you know and others of you might remember me mentioning that I briefly dated someone from the town two hours east of me October-November. J. I contemplated not responding, but I thought to myself, what's the worst that could happen? J moved to the Midwest! I saw this girl's picture on Facebook; I thought he'd moved on kind of fast, but whatever. There'd been an expiration date on the relationship for awhile. My friends didn't like him, and his true colors were starting to show through. (J's true colors: asshole brown and yellow-bellied). When he texted me (yes, texted me) mid-November to tell me he was moving, I said c'est la vie. I made some attempts into the first week of December to see him one last time -- you know, be a mature adult and give the relationship some closure, especially since he was moving so far away. But when he sent me a Facebook message from his phone to tell me he couldn't call because his phone was broken, I pretty much gave that up. We haven't talked since. Now two months later, I find myself receiving texts from his new girlfriend, M, who has revealed that they started dating before he and I had broken up. Okay. What's weird is that it was J who wanted to move the relationship along faster. J told me he wanted be exclusive after our second date; J wanted to talk about whether or not I'd ever move to his town, or where I wanted to live next. It all felt a little rushed, but I liked him. I liked how he made me feel, and the nice things he said to me, so I downplayed those red flags. Don't we all? Seems like that's what his new girlfriend has been doing for the last couple of months, too. So M and I go back and forth for awhile; she really wants to understand precisely when J and I broke up, and I do my best to help her construct a timeline. There was some overlap. Then she sent me this picture, presumably of J's phone: That scribble coming to see him? That was me. I'm human -- this hurt. Enough that the first time I read it, I didn't even notice that he hadn't quit his job like he told me -- he'd been fired. Enough that, even though I wish I weren't, I'm still thinking about it a little bit. Then I looked at the dates. How could J be dating someone he started seeing in the Southwest in November, when he moved to the Midwest in December? At this point, I was still feeling hurt and angry, but another feeling was creeping in, too. Solidarity. There's a narrative in our culture about women and ex-girlfriends. Women are crazy! Watch out for those psycho ex-girlfriends! That's what kept me from reaching out to M in the first place. I really did want to warn her... but that would make me the crazy ex. So I said nothing. Should she have nabbed his phone? I don't know. But he was making her feel crazy, so she took action, reached out, and found me. We were both treated badly by the same guy. She's not crazy, and neither am I. Rather than read a script of what we've been told women are or do, she made a connection. Can you help me? And I did. She helped me, too. And in the end we high-fived and walked away. I think there's something really lovely about being a woman, and about being a woman this way - my way. Our way. After all, women are people. Imperfect humans, for the most part doing the best we can. Attempting not to hurt others, trying to protect our own hearts from hurt. Just like most men I know, honestly. Human. Not crazy. Oh, and speaking of my burgeoning and imperfect humanity... I could not help myself... I had a Goodwill pile containing a couple of J's shirts. Back when I thought he'd moved, I figured I'd just donate them. But I wouldn't want his cowardice to rub off on any unsuspecting Goodwill customers. So while I happened to be in town, I put them in a Trader Joe's bag and dropped them off on his porch. Since, ya know, he didn't move to Wisconsin. Smooth.
2 Comments
DLO
2/18/2014 12:32:12 pm
Loved this post! The faster women figure out we can help one another in these situations the better. I've never understood when women get angry at the other woman instead of the person who is supposed be with them. Loved the trader joe bag move too!
Reply
Jane
2/26/2014 12:39:30 pm
Thank you! Because I am a creeper, I can say with confidence she got out of there, which makes me happy. What an asshole, huh?
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
JaneHi, I'm Jane. I go on dates. Archives
December 2018
Categories |